I’ve been scared. I mean, REALLY scared these last few days. My mind has been running like a non-stop film, showing me all the possible scenarios that could happen, telling me I should do this or I should do that. Even as I sleep, my usual escape, the images are vivid and clear and very unsettling.
Tears have been laying just under the surface for days . . . waiting for the right moment to gently roll out, almost like a release. They come out in moments when I expect them (like during a moving session with a client) and moments when I don’t (like when I am reviewing legal documents for my latest contract job). But there they are, waiting patiently to be revealed.
. . .
This is quite a lead up, don’t you think? I haven’t shared what all the fuss is about . . . and I will. It’s not nearly as bad as you may be thinking given the dramatic introduction. I simply wanted to share that this happens to me too. I’m not immune because I have a fancy website or an assistant that is helping me with my business. I’m not immune because I’m an attorney or have a family. I’m not immune because I’m healthy, have money in my bank account, and live a good life. I’m not immune from any of it.
So what happens to me too?
F E A R.
F. E. A. R.
The other four letter word.
Most recently, I decided to take a big leap in my business. I decided to put into motion the launch of an online program that has been simmering in my body for months if not years. I’ve done so much to bring it to life, yet every time I get close to actually finishing it, I panic.
Yes, you read that correctly: I PANIC.
This panic leaves me face-to-face with my kryptonite: enough-ness. Will I be enough for my clients? Will I create a good program? Will what I teach be enough? Will I sell enough programs to get an ROI?
And it all boils down to the inevitable: Am I enough?
This panic took the shape of anxious thoughts running through my mind, decision and then indecision, self-sabotage in the form of procrastination and self-doubt . . . and that’s just the pretty stuff. This self-induced panic threatened to shut down my program before it ever even had a chance to say hello to the world. This self-induced panic threatened to deprive me of a beautiful experience that I have been longing for, quite possibly, for years.
I knew I couldn’t let that happen. But how could I change things?
I decided to dig deep into my treasure chest of tools and I pulled out the beautiful tool of awareness. I decided to listen to my body. I decided to slow down. This time, I decided to do nothing . . . as in, make no decisions, make little to no movement, and essentially, do as little as I possibly could until I could see what was at the root of my panic. As I sat with my emotions instead of against them, I gave myself some space to let the thoughts run wild. I let them tire themselves out. I let them get their crazy out in a safe, contained space where little to no damage could be done. As I did this, I honored them. I literally said, in my mind, “Feelings, I see you. I feel you. I’m going to let you have your little pity party for a while, but then it will be time to go home.” You know how it goes, “you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”
It took several days. Some nights sleep was deep and healing, and others it was shallow and full of vivid images. Some mornings motivation was there, and others I stayed in bed until the last possible moment (usually dictated by one of my babies rising to greet the morning sun). Some days it meant “numbing” myself with a little extra chocolate or a couple glasses of wine. But this was a controlled experiment, you see, because I was aware of this party going on in my mind and I let it happen. I was in control.
Today, things look clearer. Today, I’m reminded of the beautiful messages that can come to us when we allow them to, when we don’t force them to appear before they are ready: “It will all be ok.” “You are loved and supported.” “Have FUN.” “You are enough.”
Today I’m reminded of everything I want to embody for myself; peace, serenity, hope, faith . . . and for my clients. I am also reminded that “this” happens, not only to you, but to me too. I have fears and doubts. I have frustrations and my own kryptonite that threatens to bring me to my knees and take away my creations before they even have a chance to be created.
It happens to me too.
These moments also teach me that in addition to the above, I also have awareness and faith and support. These three things have made all the difference in my life. I’m not sure which one comes first, and most likely it changes every single time, but the one thing that never changes is that I need all three in order to live and be with the messy middle. The messy middle; truly the place where all the magic happens.
Can I say with any certainty that this will be my last panic session before, during, or after my launch? Of course not. What fun would that be? But with some awareness, faith, and a little help from my friends, I can say one thing with absolute resolve: It will all be ok.
♦ ♦ ♦